Ya know, I never really thought about people before. Well, okay, I've thought about them, but not in the sense of their personalities. Okay, example: Sometimes, you don't know what kind of person someone is until something bad happens. Like that song about how you find out who your friends are... (and I know I said I wouldn't use this for song lyrics, but this really does pertain, I SWEAR)

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor need a couch need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie

You find out who you're friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you're friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your hand
when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there

 

So anyways, situations occurred and I realized why I don't usually hang out with younger people... or really even people my own age. I'm just sick of all the drama. It's completely ridiculous how some people react to situations. They whine and complain and throw hissy fits because the boy they wanted didn't want them back, so they go screw his best friend. It's so childish and silly it makes me want to start slapping people.

I'm not quite sure how I didn't realize how immature and stuck up this certain person was, though. I spent over $300 (more than her plane ticket!) in gas just picking her up and dropping her off at the airport, not to mention 16+ hours of driving. And she didn't even offer to pay for gas or anything. It was the rudest thing I've personally ever witnessed. She spend the past 10 days talking down to me and basically calling me a piece of shit because I don't wear Hollister or have tons of money or a brand new car. I can't believe that some people are so close minded that they just decide that anyone who isn't a carbon copy of them is automatically unworthy of respect. She is quite possibly the most selfish person I've ever known. She makes me feel like I'm garbage because I'm not like her. I'd totally rather be me. I like laying around in pajamas that don't match. And I like eating whatever I want, whenever I want. And I love being so white that I glow in the dark. I'm not fake, and I really don't like people who are. Lying and cheating was okay when you were in high school. And I guess since she's only 19, then it makes sense that she acts like that. But it'll bite her in the ass one day. And I hope I'm there to see it.

In conclusion: liars, cheaters and fake ass hoes (and ones who are all of the above) need to realize that its only acceptable to do the above when you're under the age of 15. After that, you should know better.

It's been a while. And not much has changed. I still don't have a job. I still do nothing all day. And I'm still stuck in limbo, but not the way I used to be.

The Ty situation came to a screeching hault. I planned on going to visit the boys (and him, cuz he's friends with the boys) when they got home. And they came home. And Ty started drinking (like I said he would), and begged for me back (which he's been doing all along). And it caused too much trouble. We ended up not talking anymore because of one certain slut. And a series of unfortunate events which involved Stu and a cell phone. Its fine though. Its nice not to be so stressed all the time... well, stressed about him. I'm stressed about everything else...

Something happened and Stu panicked and I guess I did too. It got fixed, but it still kind of pisses me off the way he reacted. Oh well. And that same friend came to visit (again) and the guy she ditched me for before ditched her, so now she's hanging out with another guy, mostly just to piss him off. I think it's pissing me off more than it is him. And Stu's always in a bad mood, which puts me in a bad mood. I'm just really frustrated. And I need to get out of here, but I can't, because I have no money. Like, really. NO MONEY. As in like $5,000 in credit card debt. It really sucks. A LOT.

Unfortunately, this isn't one of those entries where I come to a conclusion about anything, or I realize some huge lesson I had learned. I just need to vent and I'm 99.999% sure no one else would understand. The only two people I really talk to are the two that are pissing me off. And the animals are out of control. I'm just in a constant state of stress. And the fact that Stu doesn't want me to go home on leave with him is making it worse. He's deploying in a few months for at least 15 months and its not like I get to see him all the time. I guess I'll just stay and sulk in the bayou by myself. It's fine. I'll just go crazy, one push of my buttons at a time.

So, I know I said I'd be writing here like... everyday. But I've literally been doing nothing. No joke. I sit around and watch dust collect. I mean, I guess that's something to write about, but it certain is nothing special.

However, I'm going to pull a Heidi moment *confession!*

I've been talking to Ty a lot lately. Now, I know what you're going to say...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!?"

And really, I can't tell you. I mean, at first it was totally chill. We were just talking about nothing, having fun. And then we had a 4 hour conversation over the phone. That was a little bit much. So then I started feeling guilty, because Stu was coming home for a few hours and I had been talking to Ty half the time he was gone.

I really don't understand it. As soon as I think I'm over it, he comes back. And it sucks. But I think I've finally had enough. I told him over and over and over again that he needs to SHOW me that he loves me and not tell me every 15 seconds. There's a big difference between showing someone you love them and telling them. ((I guess he failed kindergarten)) When you should someone you love them, you order their favorite takeout and watch their favorite movie, without even having to ask what either one is. Or you give them flowers just because. Or you write them a sappy love letter. It doesn't have to be big, or extravagant. Usually the small things matter the most. But he just didn't get it. He kept saying he does show me, by telling me that he's changed. Wouldn't that still be telling me? I never asked him for much. I gave him the world and all I wanted in return was a stupid flower, or a sappy little letter that said how much he cared about me. He keeps saying that theres no way he can do that from over there, but he's so wrong. It would change my world if he would have just cared a little bit, but he never did. Not once.

And then he compared me to another girl. Now, normally, this would be fine, I really wouldn't give two shits. BUT...

He compared me to the bitch he cheated on me with... TWICE.

He compared me to a homewrecking slutbag who is quite possibly one of the ugliest bitches I've ever laid eyes on.

He kept saying over and over that her and I were just alike because we both said to him that we'd get back together one day (She was his gf from high school who cheated on him while he was in boot camp and broke up with him in a letter... she's a whore.). HOWEVER, she still has a boyfriend. I'm (sort of) single (that's another entry).

ANYWAYS, I think I've finally come to the conclusion that people are in your past for a reason. There's some reason that they didn't make it to your future. And maybe his reason is that I can't trust him. And I want to sooooo bad! But how can you just forget something like that? It's one thing to cheat once and never again, but three times? and he broke off our engagement TWICE. I think that I gave him a huge second chance that not many people would have given when I took him back. But to have him expect me to just take him back again after all that I've been through? He admitted that he never tried in our relationship. That he just sat back and let me do everything. And that he won't drink anymore. He wants to quit for me. For me. You can't quit something like that for someone. It never works. I can never work with someone who wouldn't even give me a chance. I was doomed from the start.

 

You can fall back in love with old pictures and post cards and sweaters that smell like him. But you can never fall back in love with someone. People are constantly changing and the dynamics of your relationship change right along with them. It's always for the best. Sometimes you just don't realize it right away. And it sucks when you look at old kissy face pictures and you want that back, but know that you can never have it. But then again, maybe you can. It's not really the person that you miss. It's the emotion that that person evoked inside of you. It's that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when you kissed them. Or smelled their scent of Camel Lights and Curve. Or watched them walk away from you. It's not a total loss. All you have to do is find someone who can pull those same emotions right out of you when you least expect it. And then make sure that person never gets away.

So, I moved here, ya know. And it's been alright. A friend from home came to visit, and I think it annoyed me more than it made me feel better. Maybe that's because she was just completely interested in the boy and not so much in hanging out with me. I was just a means to the ends. But that's alright. Anyways, she kept telling me I should marry Stu. And every time she said it, I sorta backed off a little bit more. It's like I backed out of myself and tried to see it from a different perspective. And it didn't make the idea any more appetizing. We'll see how things work out.

In the mean time, Stu Poo went on a little missiony thing. He'll be gone for 20 days. And I'm here all alone. With no friends. And no money (well, of my own anyways). So, I'm going to chronicle my times in the Loney Leesville and we'll see if any minds change in the process. Got me? Word up. I'll log every night before I go to bed to track the progression of either the downfall of a good thing, or the rising of a better one. Love was always a tangled web that I wove too complicated and thin. Lets see if it's thicker this time.

So, I've changed... a lot. Well, not me really, just everything around me. Sorta. I gave up on AJ. I knew it wasn't going to work from the start. And I apologized to Ty for being a raging bitch. And I sorta fell in love. Wait, no, scratch that. I found someone who makes me laugh. And that is exactly what I've needed all along.

So here I am, months later, sitting in the bed I share with him in our apartment... in Louisiana. I gave up everything to pack up me and my cat and move down here, just because I felt like it. Just because I found my best friend and I wanted to. I don't have a job, no source of income what-so-ever. I don't have a car. I don't have any friends. I have me. And my cat named Dogg. And I guess that's all I really need right now anyways.

When you try to add too many things to your life at once, and try to fit everything in to a tiny, perfect little box, everything tends to fall apart... and fast. If you just let it be, and let it flow, things have a way of working themselves out. I guess. I'm not too sure on that one, but I figure I'll give it a go.

I wanted to fit Ty in to that perfect box, and we both knew that would never happen. I tried to fit AJ in to the perfect box, but his ego was WAY too big for it. And his intentions weren't pure. He used me to piss off Ty. And I can't live the rest of my life knowing that I didn't do a thing to correct it. So I did. And now I'm here.

Here isn't necessarily bad. It's just different. I've never really lived with a boy that I wasn't related to. Well, I've stayed with boys for extended periods of time, but it was never a permenant thing. We'll see how long he can put up with me. I'm quite difficult. I think he's starting to understand that.

It's not that I'm high maintainance. Well, at least not in the Paris Hilton sense of the phrase. I just require a lot of attention. I'm good for a while. But when people start ignoring me, I tend of overcompensate by being a whiny little bitch. And I know I'm doing it, but I usually can't stop it. It's addictive.

I'm just having a hard time adjusting here. I popped an ear drum and the other is plugged, so I'm essentially deaf for the time being. And I have an unruley cough, so I can't even think about job hunting until I'm better. Which leaves me nothing to do but sit around all day and just stew about being alone. I hate being alone. And when the boy comes home, he's usually too tired to do anything. So I make him dinner, sit and watch tv next to him for a while and then we go to bed. I'm a people person. I need human interaction. And it drives me nuts to just sit and do nothing for too long. Hence why I was a bitch to him today. I didn't mean to be. It's just been a series of unfortunate events which have all built up inside me and I couldn't take it anymore. So I lashed out... at him. And it wasn't just because I did something really sweet for him on Valentine's Day and he couldn't even stay conscious enough to help me go get my medicine (which I didn't end up getting, because I waited too long for him). It's just been a bad few days. Which sucks, cuz I want to like it down here. I kinda actually do. It's just hard to adjust when there's no one to adjust with.

Okay, I'm done being angsty. I just have to man up and deal. Because the world always changes when you aren't looking.

It's always easier to run then to man up to what you do.

Today was the first substantial snow fall of the season. Or at least that's what the weatherman told me. I think it's one of the most beautiful things ever. But isn't it just the beginning of an end? Isn't it the symbol of things freezing over and dying?

 

Maybe it's for the best. I wrote a letter to Sunshine and told him exactly how I felt about him. After visiting Charlotte, I just felt like I needed him to know that I cared about him and that I'd love nothing more than to just spend time with him. He can make me smile like no one else can. I feel like I just fit with him. Apparently, he doesn't exactly feel the same way. He claims he cares about me, but he doesn't want to fly up here and ask me to marry him. He just wants to be, and have fun. And I completely understand that. I DON'T want him to ask me to marry him. I'd say no! I just want to be with him. He understands me. I really believe that he's the only one that I've ever let my guard down with. I trust him.

And now he thinks I'm insane.

 

I wanted a sign, and apparently, here it is. I'm yet again at a crossroads. I can take the high road and move to Charlotte, chance running in to him, and let the chips fall as they may. Or I can run like I always do, to Denver, CO and start over. Begin a new chapter in a new life, where I can just party it up like any good 21 year old should! The low road is looking pretty damn good right now.

So maybe visiting Charlotte was like a huge tease. I got to see all the friends I haven't seen in forever, and theyre all in school and having fun. I'm living with my mom and working the same crappy part-time job I've had since high school. Then again, maybe visiting was one of the best things I've ever done.

Okay, so maybe my decision to call him was slightly alcohol induced. Well, completely alcohol induced. I had been thinking about it though. For a while. And when I saw a while, I mean weeks.

It's been hard for me, I'm not gonna lie. I care about AJ. But I'm starting to think that its more of a... friend relationship and no so much a romantic one. Yeah, I love the attention and everything he gives me. He just wants to see me happy. And I am... sometimes. But there are the little things that he does that just pisses me off. he'll start a fight for no reason and then act like I'm being irrational. And I overlooked it before, but the longer he's away, the more I notice it. And the more it bothers me. Maybe I'm just being cranky, because he's not here all the time. But he calls me almost every day, and he writes letters that are somewhere in the mail. And he just sent me 18 long stem red roses. It's hard not to be charmed by him. I want to care about him like that, I just don't know if I can without him around. And shouldn't you want to be thinking about someone all the time? Whether they are there or not?

And that's where the Trip to Charlotte comes in. Justin... I mean, Sunshine. I don't remember if I've mentioned him here before. I'm pretty sure I have. The one that got away Freshman year. He's never really disappeared from the back of my mind. We still sorta kept in contact over the summer. He was still dating... "her"... stupid little she-devil. But, then out of nowhere, Tamara messaged me and said they had broken up. It was like Christmas came early! I wasn't really wanting him, I was just happy he wasn't with her. That changed quickly. I told her that if I was to sleep with anyone while I was down there, it was only to be him. That was before I knew he was going to actually call me back.

So, I was drunk. Yeah, I was really drunk. But I called my Sunshine anyways. He didn't answer, so I left a message, saying I was in Charlotte and I just wanted to see how he was. Little did I know he was actually at the same party I visited later that night. We ended up meeting up. He got out of his car, stood in the road and said "Peaches".

I.was.screwed.

We stood by his car, talking. He had his hands on my waist. I had my arms around his neck. It was like nothing had ever happened. I hadn't broken his heart, I hadn't left. He hadn't left me for her. We were just Sunshine and Peaches. Tam came out and said they were all going home. Justin said he'd bring me back in the morning, that I was going home with him. I couldn't help but smile. We spent the better half of the night talking, and makin it. haha sorry, I had to laugh at that. He ended up leaving for class, and I wanted to stay until he got back, but I couldn't. My friend Andrew ended up coming to pick me up. Sunshine text me when he got home and said that he practically ran home, excited that I'd be waiting for him... but I wasn't. My heart sank. I wanted to be, but I wasn't sure what the night before was. Was it like we made up? Was it just a booty call? I wanted it to be more, I was just afraid it wasn't. I ended up spending every night except for one, and I always left. I was afraid. The last night, he said he would take me to the airport. So I walked him to class and walked back to Tam's. Later that afternoon, I walked back to his place. He had said that all the girls he had had sex with always just wanted sex, and always refused a date. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I said I wasn't hungry, but I'd go with him if he pleased. And, of course, he took it the wrong way. He acted like I was just using him for sex and that he meant nothing to me. I'm pretty sure that hurt me more than I realized at the time. I was shocked. He ended up taking me to the airport and leaving. I called him that night when I got home, and that was the last time I heard his voice. I've gotten the occassional text message, hoping that I'm doing alright and that he's busy, but it still hurts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what happens, always tell someone how you feel. I'm in the process of writing him a letter, telling him how I feel, because I'm too retarded to have just told him when I was there with him. And I can't call him, it just doesn't seem right. So hopefully, this letter will change some things. I need him to know that I want him in my life, but I dunno if he even wants me back.

Why didn't I just tell him I loved him when I had the chance? ugh...

So, I was watching my soaps today (I'm aware that its pathetic, but I am.), and there was a part where everything just made sense. This married chick was breaking in to her ex's hotel room and his new girl was in there- they happen to be best friends, ps.. So anyways, the chick is freaking out because her friend is in her ex;'s room and she had warned her not to get mixed up with him, cuz he was bad news. so theres girly fighting and crying and it kinda went like this:

Friend: why are you looking for him? youre married.

Chick: i know! i'm happily married!

Friend: then why did you break in to his room?

Chick: i dont know... i just, its just this weird feeling. its not jealousy, and its not anger. its just something weird that i cant explain...

Friend: its like an empty feeling. like you thought you were over him, and that youd moved on, but then you somehow feel left behind, and youre chasing after him, even though you dont really want him. you dont really want him, youre married.

Chick(crying, obviously): thats exactly it. and i dont want him... its just... i dont know!

 

Anyways, thats exactly like whats going on right now. True, part of it is jealousy, well, a big part. but its mostly that left behind feeling. That he's moved on without me and i'm missing out. I can't lie, it hurts a lot more than I would have thought it would. I get chills just looking at pictures of him now. I find myself stopping and staring at things that he gave me, or pieces of himself he left behind. I've read the letter he sent me last christmas at least a few times. Theres no other way to explain it.

However, I must say that its not all innocent. I dont want him to move on and be happy, because I'll always be the one who wants to make him happy. But that'll never happen, he's made that deathly clear. And him pushing me together with the other guy is just killing me. It's complicated. I dont want this new guy to be second best with me, thats not fair to him. but thats all anyone will ever be. I just wish he'd get that.

 

I swear, maybe its the fact that I watch too many soap operas. Or maybe it's my detachment issues. Either way, I am one fucked up lil child. I have a man that wants to give me the world, but theres just something holding me back, however I can't completely blame this on my ex. For once, it's not really his fault. It's me. I can't let go. Of anything, or anyone. I had this friend I met online, and we talked a lot. He tried to talk me out of being with Ty, but I refused to listen (as always). Anyways, we still talk now. And part of me wants to run away to Salt Lake City to be his roommate/lover. Now, the old me would jump on that like trailor trash on an old TV in a pile of garbage. However, the new, "improved" me, thinks its the worst idea ever, because I have a life and a future with the man I'm with. Granted, my father, for some unknown reason, hates AJ. Maybe because I told a few little white lies when I got home from North Carolina. Maybe because he doesn't want to admit that I'm growing up. Either way, he needs to get over it. I think my family is starting to realize that I do what I want no matter who cares. They just all feel like its their place to voice those opinions. My brother is screaming "Switzerland!" at the top of his lungs. My sister realizes I'm going to do this with or without her, so she's coming around. My mother is in straight up denial that I'm going anywhere or doing anything. And well, the rest of the family isn't aware yet, because there would be massive gossip spread and I don't feel like dealing with it. Ya know, you would think that the childish gossip stops after high school, but it doesn't. and then after college? Nope, not there either. It's always there. No matter what. Especially if you've got a family that likes to talk. Or you just work with a ton of women, Either way, I catch hell daily because of my life. See, theres the problem. It's MY life. I wasn't aware that there's a clause somewhere in a contract that I apparently signed when I popped out of the womb that says that I need to be rediculed by every person that I know about every choice that I make. Well, it has to be somewhere, cuz all I seem to catch is hell. It's as if everyone else is trying to fix their mistakes through me. But in one facet of their life, or another, they've all failed horribly at something. I have no idea why I take advice from my parents, who have obviously never had a healthy relationship in their entire lives. Or my siblings, or friends or co-workers. I don't think they get that we are all human. And even though we make mistakes, it's not the end of the world. There will always be someone or something there to make everything okay. For some, it's another person, a favorite object, a favorite place or smell. For other's its the company of a stranger or a substance. It just seems that sometimes, we are the only sane ones left on the planet. Everyone else just went crazy a LONG time ago.